11 posts tagged “stress”

This has been a very busy and eventful week for me and my family. I'll write more later when I'm not drugged up on Benedryl, but I'll note the highlights:

1. We took in a lost cat that was crying around our house late at night. This was eight days ago on a Saturday.
2. I am highly allergic to cats, but we insisted on keeping her him until we found her his owner. We did want to keep her him as she he was so perfect for us, right down to her his personality and appearance.
3. I reported the found cat to the local animal shelter (that we later learned misidentified his gender) and posted fliers in the hopes to reunite the cat with her his owner.
   
4. I started having intermittent breathing problems, a tight soar throat and eye irritation for most of the week.
5. My symptoms culminated to the point where my body was so stressed by the allergens that I went into anaphylaxis (aka anaphylactic shock) at work yesterday.
6. My father's girlfriend* (also my boss) was frantically asking me about my father while I was choking and wheezing with asthma like symptoms.
7. She confused my reaction as being overly emotional regarding the topic of my father. When she finally realized that I was having an allergic reaction to the cat she contacted my husband.
   
8. My husband immediately took me to the hospital from work. But not before my father's girlfriend continued to rant about my father. If I could have spoken I would have told her ENOUGH and that it wasn't an appropriate time.
9. On the way to the hospital, my husband called his mother to see if she could hang onto the cat for ONE DAY until we found an alternative caretaker so that I won't keep having allergic reactions. SHE REFUSED! Her reason being that she's already going to be taking care of her brother's cat in a few days and doesn't want to care for two cats, even though we emphasized that it would only be for a day.
   
10. I had another episode at the ER check-in desk, causing a male nurse to inform others that I was going into anaphylactic shock and needed immediate attention.
11. At least 6 people were working on me as soon as my body hit the gurney.
12. I was in the hospital under observation for 4.5 hours to ensure I was stable enough to leave and wouldn't have a relapse, which is quite common.
13. My husband spoke to his mother again during our trip home. She had TOTALLY forgotten that I was highly allergic to cats and all the other common allergens (dust mites, pollen, grass, trees, ragweed, mold, etc), despite the fact that I talk about it nearly every time I see her. She also kept asking my husband to reclarify what I specifically reacted to yesterday, and told us to just drop the cat off at the animal shelter (where they would most certainly euthanize her him due to overcrowding).
    
14. I'm now doped up on Benedryl (50mg every 3 hours), steriods (to keep my throat and air passageway open) and Pepcid (to prevent stomach problems from the Benedryl and anaphylaxis symptoms).
15. We are taking the cat to the vet Monday (where we learned that the cat is a neutered male).
    
16. We are trying to find an alternate home for her him since it doesn't look like we will find her his owner.

* My father has been avoiding his girlfriend for weeks, only speaking to her after my husband and I force him to speak to her. He is not comfortable dating her anymore as she is too highstrung, too bossy, makes plans that involve him without his approval, talks incessantly, doesn't allow him to speak much (even telling him to "shut up") and tells my father that he shouldn't be helping his kids (us) out financially even though it would mean that we lose our house to foreclosure [that's for another post]. His negligence has caused her to make one house call to confront him, as well as to call him at least 12 times per day, and to text message me and my husband on a near daily basis as a means to see what's going on with my father. She also talks and rants about my father and their estranged and complicated relationship all the time while I work with her. I have told her numerous times to keep me out of their business, but she doesn't listen. She says she will but continues to address this topic with me and my husband.

Lesson learned: people show their true colors in times of crisis. Right now, after what happened yesterday, I completely hate my mother-in-law and am so done dealing with my boss (my father's estranged girlfriend) that I am seriously considering quitting. I shouldn't have this much stress from a single person (well technically two people) just to hang onto a rudimentary, minimum wage, retail job. I've been under so much stress lately that I've had to double my antidepressant dosing and even missed a menstrual cycle. I am not pregnant (I was tested at the hospital), but this topic brings up another emotional situation that I will address later when I am ready.

By the way, if you live in the Detroit Metro area and would like a cat, please message me for details.

[Edited on June 3, 2008: We learned from the vet that the cat is male and neutered. (The animal shelter misidentified his gender.) We might be able to locate his owner through local animal clinics that may have performed the operation.]

I have had quite a few blog post topics circulating in my mind, but have not found the time nor the mental clarity to write them. I intend to publicize versions of my Design To Inspire banner creations to share with the Vox community for use with personalized Vox themes. I also want to discuss quite a few things that have been occurring in my life as of late, some of which were hinted at in my recent Tweets. I hope I find enough peace of mind to successfully formulate my ideas to a degree that would allow me to coherently transmit my thoughts and feelings to text. Maybe I will begin with my custom banners as that post will require the least amount of writing.

The good news is that I have been HSV outbreak free for almost two months! I'm so relieved, and so very thankful.

The bad news is that my husband's contract was prematurely terminated due to company cut-backs. His last day is Halloween. He has a job interview lined up through his contract house, but I don't have high hopes given that the job qualifications are above his knowledge and experience. As a result, I need to find a job -- one I hope that I can handle despite my ongoing mental problems. Although, this termination may be a blessing in disguise as my husband has wanted out of that place since his first week of employment. He has also been experiencing burnout and bouts of depression since that same week. He is actually looking forward to a small vacation from work to recover.

As typical this time of year, my husband's family -- notorious for unknowingly relaying "good" news that makes us feel worse about our own lives, and making statements or doing things that inadvertently slap us in the face -- have informed us that they will be having a "Scorpio baby" birthday party for my mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, and cousin-in-law in early November. Of course, for the second year in a row, they have forgotten to include me, a Scorpio, in the festivities. I'll once again remind them during the party of my birthday and hear exclamations that they didn't know or simply forgot. I dread attending family parties in the last quarter of the year. I'm constantly reminded of how little my husband's family understands us and how little they care to remember anything about us. To top it off, my sister-in-law and her newlywed husband just purchased a large house with acreage, and will be living out one of mine and my husband's biggest dreams. I could write forever about how this and her successful life -- accomplished in our eyes and even successful to her own perception -- affects our perspectives about our own lives, but I'll save that for another time.

Given our current stressors and the new aforementioned additions, I've been experiencing a downward spiral of depression. I can't stay focused enough to read or take part in conversations, whether they be in person or online. My recently stabilized sleep schedule has been tipped upside down, including a heavy dose of insomnia, which in and of itself has an negative effect on my mental state. My anxiety is somewhat under control at the moment, comparatively, but can easily burst at any time. I'd write more, because I desperately desire and need to, but I'm too burned out and hopeless to continue further at this time.

Free Hugs Campaign. (music by Sick Puppies album out April3)

I remember the awesome power a hug from a parent had when I was a little child. The embrace always seemed to erase pain from a pinched finger, a common bruise, a scraped knee, a splinter -- pain that was unbelievable unbearable to my childlike perspective. Their hugs always provided warmth and light, and made the dark loneliness or terrible nightmares slink into the far corners of the room. My parents were superheros, with supernatural powers hidden in their arms. Somehow an embrace could fix everything and make anything better. I noticed, not recently mind you, that somehow and sometime during my growth into adulthood an embrace lost its supernatural abilities -- or maybe it was my perspective that changed rather than the hug's power.

My husband came home from work extremely depressed and hopeless. We have had a progressively stressful several years, especially the past two years. Our living situation with two other adults (my father and my sister) with different lifestyles crammed into tight living quarters, combined with our financial situations, our medical problems, my mental health, our failing plans for our future, and diminishing career goals have been slowly sucking the light and hope out of me and my husband. We don't feel as strong and determined as we were years ago. We are barely hanging on to sanity at times.

I care deeply about my husband's wellbeing. If he is not happy, then I definitely won't be happy, or even content. (In my mind, it is all right for me to be depressed, but my husband must never be depressed. I just won't stand for it.) So I gave him a big hug once he put down is lunch bag, wallet and keys, because I had nothing else to give as I was at a loss for words or hope -- I had already, up to this point, previously said anything remotely encouraging or compassionate. I held onto him for a long time, desperately hoping my arms could rescue what felt like we were both losing. After several minutes, he whispered gently in my ear stating that he really needed a hug. I told him I really needed it too and that all he ever has to do is ask when he feels the need. We held each other for several more minutes. It was amazing, the hug made us both feel better. It didn't fix our problems, or pay off our debts, but it renewed a bit of hope -- like recharging a battery -- and released a bit of the weight pressing down on our shoulders.

A hug can say a lot of things when words are not available. An embrace can express love and affection, give hope, express an apology, even help heal a wound, or ease the mind and body from stress. It reminds us that we are not alone and that we don't have to bear hardship by ourselves. It also is one of the best things to share during happy moments.

My husband and I make sure we embrace each other and say "I love you" every day. Just because we do this so often doesn't mean it has less meaning. On the contrary, I don't think we would have made it this far in life it weren't for the simple act of a hug. I hope we never stop giving and receiving such a wonderful gift.

How do you beat writer's block? 
Submitted by marvel is my pen name. (question dated Jan. 25, 2007)

I never experienced writer's block when I was a teenager. I always had something about which to write, with my scribblings often inspired by my vivid and entertaining dreams or the latest book I read or movie I watched. I never had a problem putting pen to paper (or fingers to the keyboard) until I reached approximately 19 years of age. This was about the same time when my artistic inspiration left me as well. I believe my stress, anxiety and depression play major rolls in maintaining the absence of my muses.

I now experience writer's block (and artist's block) quite regularly with great frequency. These "blocks" last anywhere from a week to several months (or even years). My most recent writer's block has lasted nearly two months, which explains my absence on Vox. I know this most recent episode is due to stress from several sources, combined with the virtually impossible task of finding a location and time in which I won't be constantly interrupted by roommates (my father, in particular). I have felt so drained of inspiration that even the QotD, Vox Hunt, and Voxer's/neighbor's entries have not been strong enough to ignite a thought or feeling coherent enough to type.

My writer's block is less severe than my artist's block as I have not been able to complete a sketch for nearly 10 years. In fact, I more often than not have trouble starting a sketch as I can no longer hold an image in my mind long enough to commit the image to paper. While I do have more success with computer graphics, I rarely have a final (or even vague) design or color scheme in mind when creating the graphics. I tend to play with filters, layers, brushes, colors, etc until I see something I like, then proceed from there.

I've tried various tricks to beat writer's block and artist's block without any success. I wish I could say this was a passing phase, but I know with certainty that this unfortunate trait has become a part of my personality, mainly due to how ingrained it has become through years of repeated episodes. I doubt that I am the only one who experiences this, but can't help but feel somewhat isolated from creative communities due to this trait.

What are your resolutions for 2007?

I no longer make New Years resolutions as I never honestly took this practice seriously, and subsequently never completely accomplished my goals set for the new year. However, like everyone else I frequently set long- and short-term goals, both grandiose and minuscule, for myself that tend to involve, depending on the mission, my husband and immediate family due to their importance in my life. My greatest plan at the moment involves eliminating our debt, which will subsequently reduce my husband's growing anxiety and stress induced by our increasing financial woes. Accomplishing this goal will hopefully bring us closer to our other ambitions.

What did you think you would never ever do... but did? 
Submitted by Murky.
(question dated and draft written on Oct. 28, 2006)

I never thought I would date anyone (regardless of gender or age of the significant other) before I became an adult. I always pictured myself as someone who would see my sister find and marry someone before I ever started dating. I thought I would be single for a good portion of my adulthood -- and be content and happy with my solitary lifestyle. I also believed that I would focus solely on my education for most of my life, in that education was my highest priorty with a significant other (and subsequently marriage and family) much further down my list of priorities. I thought I would attend college as soon as I graduated high school (which in an of itself is something I never did and am still very surprised and ashamed I never accomplished), and continue my education via graduate school, long before a partner (i.e. short- or long-term boyfriend, husband, or even girlfriend if it would have happened that way) would come into my life.

I also thought that I would live on my own for a while, even if for only a few months or a year. I assumed that my sister and I would eventually share a house or an appartment once we were adults. However, I never thought that I would find myself living with both my sister and my father after I became a married woman.

On a more serious and somber note, I never thought I would witness my mother's life succomb to an illness. She battled so many minor and major illnesses for so many years that I, and my whole family, thought she would pull through as she did time and time again. She passed away after a very short battle with lung cancer, when I was only 15 years old. I always thought both my parents would see my younger sister and I mature to adulthood, get married and, more importatnly, see their grandchildren. I always thougtht my mother and father would one day be able to meet their son-in-laws (or daughter-in-laws, should it turn out that my sister or I find a soul mate in the same sex), their grandchildren, and maybe even their great-grandchildren.

I always cherrished the time I spent with my mother. She was my very best friend. I confided in her on virtually everything, and I know she was quite open and honest with me about her feelings, ideals, and experiences. She wasn't the type of person that hid or altered the truth. She didn't shelter herself from others; she wasn't shy like I was and still tend to be. She was always there for everyone and anyone who needed help, whether it be to discuss serious problems, to laugh or to gossip. She gave her time and support willingly and with sincerity.

More than 12 years have passed since I last saw her alive, since she graced us with her presence and beautiful spirit. I have learned to continue living, despite the absence of her presence, her touch, her embrace, her voice, her unique laugh, her compassion and her sincerity. I can now think about her and that terrible moment in my life when my family and I feared the approaching doom that was her death (and the mind-numbing shock that stabbed each of us upon her death) with far less tears. The black abyss within my soul, created by her passing, has had time to mend itself and recede in size and strength, but it still and will always remain ever present. How can you lose a beloved parent, teacher, friend, mentor and confidant without possessing wounds for eternity?

My mother passed away long before I found my own place in this world. I often find myself pondering a plethora of questions and scenarios that will never have answers.

• What if... If she conquered the cancer and overcame her sever nerve and arthritic problems, would she have suffered any other medical maladies (benign or fatal) in the future? Would her untreated brain aneurysms have caused detrimental problems? Would her symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety have worsened?
  
• She died alone in a hospital bed, unable to talk and move. What were her last thoughts before she died? Was she at peace or was she scared?
  
• How would she look now at age 60, since I can only imagine her as I last saw her at age 47?
• What would she think of who I and my sister have become?
• What would her opinion be of my husband?
• Would she and my husband have gotten along with less strife and hardship when my husband came into my life than that of the tension and negativity between my father and husband so long ago?
• How long would it have taken for my husband to win the approval of my mother?
• How would my sister, my father and I be different now if my mother was still alive?
• Would I still have met and stayed with my husband if my mother never died?
• Would my father have ever sold his house (my childhood home) if my mother was still alive and with him?
• Would my father be more active during retirement if he had my mother to give him strength and hope?
• Would I be much further into my education if my mother's illnesses and death did not require personal attention, and subsequently hinder my mental stability and health when I was a teenager, thus complicating my attendance in school?
• What other accomplishments would I have made (or refrained from making) if my mother never died?

I know that death is a part of life. I understand that answers or reasons can not be found in all things and events. I no longer question the purpose of my mother's passing. As I hang on dearly and desperately to my surviving loved ones I can't help but fear the physical and emotional trauma of death (my own or a loved one's). The act of death and the questionable existance and/or condition of the afterlife instill such terror in me that I often find myself frozen in place. I may never overcome my phobia with death. While this fear is persistent I decline in calling it irrational as there is logic behind my thoughts. Some people claim that one must face their worst fears to overcome them. Death, regardless of who's demise, is not something I will dare to face upon my own volition. I will call upon bravery if the situation arose, although I can not guarantee the event won't leave me shaken and scarred. I have much with which to come to terms. I only hope that when my time comes to pass away I will be accepting of my fate and pleased with the outcome, as I often hope was the case for my mother.

What's the last thing you usually do or think about before you fall asleep?
(question dated Sep. 26, 2006)

I'm a worrywort and tend to stress or worry about uncompleted tasks, unfulfilled goals, and repercushions of the day's (week's or month's) events. Often times, I will wait until I am completely exhausted to go to bed so that my mind will be at rest when my head hits the pillow. Other times, I will resort to listening to my MP3 player before I sleep to lull my senses and easy my mind. I had a tendancy to crochet or read a book before bed, but have found that these activities usually kept me up much longer than anticipated as I am apt to lose all sense of time and try to finish the project, chapter or book before retiring for the day.

Of course, I miss all the interesting Vox "Questions of the Day." The interesting QotD questions and answers from August and September were really what got me interested in joining Vox. I feel so tempted to answer previous QotD, but can't stand having to sift through pages upon pages of entries tagged with "QotD" just to find the question for a sepcific date. Is there something I'm missing? Is there an easy way to find a list of previous QotD without anyone's answers attached? Also, is it frowned upon to answer backdated QotD?

Other than that, I don't have much (read: anything) to say, which explains my lack of entries. I'm stressed out immensely right now and have a lot going on at the moment, so much so that I feel burned out and drained of any creativity. This is not the first time I have felt this way, and definitely won't be the last time. I know very well what is causing it, and pretty much just have to deal with RL and stress before any amount of creativity will return.

**sigh**